Current mood:

cynical

Last night's meeting.
I went to a candle light last night. It was basically talking about you higher power. I'm still a little confused about the higher power. I mean, I've read the Bible backwards and forwards. Sometimes I wish I could see God. I wish I could hear God. I don't know, maybe somehow that would make things a lot easier. I've heard stories of how God changed people's lives. However, maybe my faith would be stronger if I knew for sure that God was there. I don't know how to explain it.

I still feel completely alone at AA. Sometimes it seems like a little cliche and I'm just an outsider. I'm not really social. I am to shy just to go up to complete strangers.

I realize sometimes the steps are not completely done in order. Talking to people about your alcohol problem, is step 5. I've been doing that since the begining. It took me 3 years to do step 1. Step 2 has always been in the back of my mind. And while I was drinking, I did step 4 and that's what made me stop. Really, the steps aren't done in any particular order. That was just something I thought of in response to the smart-ass coment I got on November 29th. I have plenty of people I can depend on. I mean, if I feel weak I can always call on my friends. I have people who listen to my assinine problems.

I'm just trying to figure out this whole God issue. I pray, I read the Bible. It is just not clicking yet. I still feel not good enough. You know, how all the "religious" people are always so righteous. It is just a hard standard to live up to.

Well, now I have to leave for work.